The Walking Rulebook
by Zorua101
Summary: Red is the champion of Kanto. Everyone in Kanto is insane - not to mention Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos. So Red figures that someone has to at least try to keep everyone else under control... (Inspired by Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies, a Bleach fanfiction by Mistress Nika).


**A/N: Sorry about that thing with the computer codes. Here's the real story _without _the codes.**

* * *

><p>It has only been a year and a half since Red became the champion of the Kanto region. Since then, he has travelled to many different regions all over the world, just as a champion should. But he learned a bit more than he wanted to while visiting Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos. For example: everyone in those regions is insane. Not only that, but the trainers in his home region are more than a little bit quirky as well. So Red thought that, well, <em>someone <em>had to take charge of all these psychopaths, and he decided that that person would be him. His first attempt at keeping everyone in check was to make a list of rules and post them on digital bulletin boards around the world. But it didn't exactly work out the way he planned…

**The Rules:**

**Brock/Takeshi – **Please stop "borrowing" other gym leaders' Pokémon for your breeding projects.

**Misty/Kasumi – **Stop trying to drown people in your gym's swimming pool.

**Lt. Surge/Matis – **You will not salute literally every champion with "Heil Hitler!"

**Erika – **What exactly happened to that young man who walked into your gym to challenge you the other day? He hasn't been seen since he walked through the doors, though nearby witnesses claim they heard tortured screams coming from inside your gym a few minutes after he entered…

**Janine/Anzu – **Trying to get revenge on your father for humiliating you is necessary, and I understand how you feel, but could you please put down the firework launcher?

**Sabrina/Natsume – **Just because all the other Psychic-type users are hailing you as the "Queen of Psychos – I Mean Psychics" doesn't mean that you may boss them around.

**Blaine/Katsura – **That was not a volcanic eruption. That was a bunch of Fire-type Pokémon standing in the volcano and all using Lava Plume at the same time. Stop trying to trick everyone into leaving Cinnabar Island just so you can "have some peace and quiet".

**Gary Oak – **Your middle name is not "Motherfucking". Please stop referring to yourself as Gary Motherfucking Oak.

**Giovanni/Sakaki – **Stop trying to one-up Gary. No, we will not give the gym back to you, it is his now.

**Lorelei/Kanna – **You can't turn people to stone just by taking your glasses off.

**Agatha/Kikuko – **We have checked the official documents, and we have discovered that you are not Glacia's grandmother. Now please leave her alone.

**Archer/Apollo – **You are not _literally _an archer. Stop shooting arrows at people. And get back in jail.

**Ariana/Athena – **You are not a goddess. Stop ordering people to get on their knees and worship you. And get back in jail.

**Petrel/Lambda – **Stop selling illegal drugs to people, stop referring to yourself as "Big Alice", and get back in jail.

**Proton/Lance – **You are not the champion. Stop trying to steal Lance's clothes, stop trying to boss the elite four around, and get back in jail.

**Professor Oak – **You are not Ash Ketchum's grandfather. You are not Ash from the future. I think your old age is starting to affect your mind…

**Falkner/Hayato – **Both you and Bugsy must stop arguing over who's prettier.

**Bugsy/Tsukushi – **Both you and Falkner must stop arguing over who's prettier.

**Whitney/Akane – **Pokémon moves can't be used by people. Stop trying to use Attract on every good-looking man you see.

**Morty/Matsuba – **No, the scarf is not a "Scarf of Epicness", or a "Blessing of Arceus". It will not be able to beat up Burgh's scarf or anyone else's.

**Chuck/Shijima – **The waterfall is not affecting your hearing; your doctor has confirmed this. Stop pretending that you can't hear your wife telling you to take the garbage out.

**Jasmine/Mikan – **Stop trying to get Byron to swap places with you so that you can live in Sinnoh. You must have a valid excuse if you want to switch with another gym leader; simply wanting to visit the lighthouse more often is not a valid excuse.

**Pryce/Yanagi – **You are not permitted to beat trainers with your walking stick and scream at them to get off the grass when they walk near your gym. They are trying to _challenge _you! Your gym needs challengers to run properly!

**Clair/Ibuki – **Stop throwing Lance into the Lake of Rage and then having your Dragonite hold him underwater. Champions don't grow on trees, you know!

**Will/Itsuki – **Stop interfering with other people's love lives. If Karen and Lance get together, it will be their choice, not yours.

**Koga/Kyo – **Thank Arceus at least _one _person in Johto is sane… I'm going to pretend I didn't just see you climb inside your Muk.

**Bruno/Siba – **"Threesome!" is not the solution to the situation between Lance, Karen and Will.

**Karen/Karin – **Stop interfering with other people's love lives. If Will and Lance get together, it will be their choice, not yours.

**Lance/Wataru – **Stop interfering with other people's love lives. If Will and Karen get together, it will be their choice, not yours.

**Ethan/Gold – **You're creeping everyone out. Stop pulling that face. No, you will not get your own video game called Pokémon CreepyEthan version!

**Lyra/Soul – **Stop trying to throw Kris over a cliff.

**Kris/Crystal – **Stop trying to throw Lyra over a cliff.

**Professor Elm – **Stop throwing unhatched eggs at every redhead who goes near your lab. Not all people with red hair are Silver.

**Silver – **Put the chainsaw away.

**Roxanne/Tsutsuji – **If you wish to remain in your position as a teacher, stop nailing your students to crosses whenever they so much as look at you funny. And if it gives you ideas like _that, _maybe you shouldn't read the bible.

**Brawly/Toki – **The first time, okay, it might have been an accident, but this is the ninth time that has happened this week, and now we all know you're doing it on purpose. Stop punching your challengers in the face.

**Wattson/Tessen – **There are appropriate times and places to grin like a maniac, and there are inappropriate times and places to grin like a maniac. Guess which category a funeral falls under?

**Flanerry/Asuna – **You are a Fire-type gym leader, not an actual Fire-type Pokémon. The water in your gym isn't even that deep. Come on, you'll have to get out of there eventually. Don't you ever need to eat?!

**Norman/Senri – **Stop taking parenting tips from Koga.

**Winona/Nagi – **Singing is okay. Constantly singing the same song over and over is not. Now stop singing "Viva La Vida" before you lose your voice.

**Tate/Fu – **You are not a potato. I don't care what Brendan said.

**Liza/Lan – **You are not a lizard. I don't care what Brendan said.

**Wallace/Mikuri – **You're not female. Please stop insisting that everyone treats you "like a proper lady".

**Juan/Adan – **Hoenn is not Spain. Stop insisting that everyone wears a sombrero.

**Sidney/Kagetsu – **You may ride motorcycles, however, you may not ride them indoors.

**Phoebe/Fuyo – **You are not a thousand-year-old spirit queen from Hell. You are a normal, _human _Pokémon trainer, and, okay, member of the Elite Four, which generally guarantees insanity.

**Glacia/Prim – **You are not Elsa. Stop singing "Let It Go" before you end up like Winona.

**Drake/Genji – **Why?! You used to be so _sane! _No, you do not live in a yellow submarine!

**Steven/Daigo – **Your name in Japanese is Daigo, not Dango. You are not a food.

**Noland/Datsura –** Yes, it is a nice hat. It is a very nice hat. But you will not grin manically and say "Do you like my nice hat?!" to everyone you see.

**Greta/Kogomi – **Come out of the forest and return to the Battle Frontier right now. Living with Pokémon in their natural habitat in no way makes you a Pokémon.

**Tucker/Health – **You are not Fantina's brother. We have checked the official records. For goodness's sake, you'd think that Frontier Brains would _know _who they are and aren't related to…

**Lucy/Azami – **You are not a fish. Yes, you are the Pike Queen, however, _you are not a fish!_

**Spenser/Ukon – **Stop shouting "You shall not pass!" at everyone who challenges you.

**Brandon/Jindai – **We will not be turning the Battle Pyramid into your tomb when you die. Dressing like an Egyptian king in no way changes this.

**Anabel/Lila – **You're not a man. Are you having _another _identity crisis?

**Archie/Aogiri – **_That's _your plan B? "Throw rare candies into the ocean hoping that wild Wailmer will eat them and evolve into Wailords, causing the ocean levels to rise due to the extreme amounts of water displacement"?

…

…

…Please go back to jail and spare the rest of our brain cells.

**Shelly/Izumi – **Stop stalking May and Brendan. Neither one of them is interested.

**Matt/Ushio – **When someone says "no" to battling with you, it seriously means _no._

**Maxie/Matsubusa – **If you're going to be out of jail, you can make yourself useful. Right now, I'm in the mood for a McDonald's burger and fries. Bring them up to the peak of Mt. Silver as soon as you've bought them. Oh come off it, it's not _that _far.

**Courtney/Kagari – **Stop launching burning Magikarps at Team Aqua. While the Magikarps are very symbolic of what Team Aqua has become and you were very clever to choose them, you might just kill people, and then the police will have to put you even under more arrest than you're already under.

**Tabitha/Homura – **Courtney will not be encouraged. Courtney will not be joined. Courtney is _insane. _You will not become insane. Capiche?

**Brendan/Ruby – **That is a hat, not your hair. You can't brush the hat!

**May/Sapphire – **You're not a vampire. What's with all the identity crises around here?

**Professor Birch – **When someone accidentally calls you "Professor Bitch", you are not permitted to "Bitchsmack" them.

**Wally/Mitsuru – **Your Gallade is a Gallade, not a fighter jet.

**Roark/Hyouta – **The mining helmet will not protect you from _everything_. Please be sensible.

**Gardenia/Natane – **You _were _warned not to try hugging that Cacturne.

**Maylene/Sumomo – **Look, you're going to freeze your toes off if you keep doing that. Walking to Snowpoint City and back while barefoot is _not _a good idea!

**Crasher Wake/Maximum Mask – **Stop blaming everything on Barry.

**Fantina/Melissa – **Attempting to eat a Magcargro will only burn you. No, the French don't eat them, as they are not edible!

**Byron/Tougan – **You are not a bird. Stop sitting on the roof of your gym and screaming "Caw! Caw!" at everyone who comes near.

**Candice/Suzuna – **It was your fault you caught a cold, not anyone else's. Wearing a short skirt in a city where it is constantly snowing _is _going to result in things like this.

**Volkner/Denzi – **When you are asked to stop playing video games, either you stop or you ignore the people who are telling you to stop. You don't sic Luxray on them and go right back to your game.

**Aaron/Ryou – **Your hair does not receive signals from "space aliens". Yes, it is very tall hair, but it has been proven by scientists that it doesn't receive alien, radio, or any other signals.

**Bertha/Kikuno – **Stop using your old age as an excuse for everything. Yes, you are quite old, but you are still in very good health.

**Flint/Oba – **Your afro is not a storage space. Stop stealing things from stores by putting them in your afro.

**Lucian/Goyo – **Yes, your grasp of foreign languages is very admirable, but please stop constantly speaking in Japanese just to confuse people.

**Cynthia/Shirona – **Stop arguing with Caitlin over whose hair is better.

**Palmer/Kurotsugu – **Stop taking parenting tips from Koga.

**Thornton/Nejiki – **You are not a robot. Please stop speaking and acting as if you _are _a robot.

**Dahlia – **Having a Zapdos and being referred to in Japan as the "Roulette Goddess" does not make you a lightning deity.

**Darach/Kokuran – **I don't know _what _you get up to in that castle when Caitlin's not around, but whatever caused the entire interior of the building to become hot-pink, reverse it and never do it again.

**Argenta/Kate – **Those are not goggles, those are sunglasses. But they still do nothing.

**Cyrus/Akagi – **I thought you fell into another universe. How did you get back into the real world? And why aren't you in jail?

**Charon/Pluto – **You're not a dwarf, you're not a planet, and you're not a dwarf planet. I don't care what the Japanese call you.

**Mars – **Saturn is not a cat.

**Jupiter – **Stop humming the Lavender Town tune just to creep people out. Why on earth are you trying to make everyone think you're insane?

**Saturn – **You don't have to humor Mars. You really don't.

**Lucas/Diamond – **Oh come on, a Bidoof can't possibly be _that _terrifying. Running away every time you see one is making you seem a lot weaker than you actually are.

**Dawn/Platina – **The Bidoof is not evil – at least, not _that _evil. Stop making a cross with your fingers every time you see one.

**Professor Rowan – **Release that Bidoof. I can assure you that it is just a regular Bidoof with no special qualities. It is not possessed by Darkrai, it is not an evil force from the Distortion World, and it is very confused as to why it is being poked with needles. Now let the poor thing go.

**Barry/Pearl – **Stop throwing holy water on various Bidoofs.

**Cilan/Dent – **What are you trying to do, poison your customers? Stop putting Chili's hair gel in the soup you're serving!

**Chili/Pod – **…No more coke for you.

**Cress/Corn – **Elesa and Skyla will not make out in front of you, no matter how much you pay them.

**Lenora/Aloe – **That is not "a good hearty meal". That is deadly. Whatever gave you the idea to melt a bunch of Durant and put them in a stew?! And stop with the weird ingredients, please. You're only encouraging Cilan.

**Burgh/Arty – **Whatever drug makes you feel as if you're fifty feet tall and surrounded by Venipede should be illegal.

**Elesa/Kamitsure – **Your headphones don't actually play music. We all know you can hear what we're saying.

**Clay/Yakon – **What on earth did you find underneath your gym that is causing so much gossip in Driftveil? …Some guy named Waldo? Seriously…?

**Skyla/Huuro – **Give back the money you stole from Cress. Telling him that you would make out with Elesa and let him watch, taking the money and then flying away was a cruel trick.

**Brycen/Hachiku – **Look, I know you enjoy randomly appearing behind people and yelling at them, but your former-gym floor is incredibly slippery, and there are no railings around the edges…

**Drayden/Shaga – **Who exactly is teaching Iris these words? Maybe you should have more responsibility when it comes to your granddaughter.

**Iris – **Not all French men are gay. Stop saying that every man in Kalos is homosexual.

**Cheren – **Clemont's inventions don't work. That machine will not make you smarter by adding the intelligence of a Tympole to your own intelligence. Wait – no – don't activate the machine! _No!_

**Roxie/Homika – **Get out of that elevator. "Elevator music" is played through the radio that is built into the elevator, not by a band that is standing in the elevator.

**Marlon/Shizui – **Look, you need to put a shirt on. A flock of Snover migrated to your city, and it's not going to stop snowing until they leave. While it's okay to wear no shirt while you're in your gym because the temperature in there doesn't change no matter what the temperature outside, _you need to put something on when you leave your gym!_

**Shauntal/Shikimi – **Caitlin and Darach have requested that you please keep the ratings of your "shipping" fanfictions down to T at the most.

**Marshal/Renbu – **That was a metaphor. You can't touch the sky.

**Grimsley/Giima – **Stop trying to suck people's blood. I don't care what that fanfiction said.

**Alder/Adeku – **Your hair does not automatically make you a citizen of Canada. It doesn't look _that _much like a maple leaf.

**N/Natural Harmonia Gropius – **Sorry, but being in a relationship with a Pokémon is bestiality and therefore illegal.

**Ghetsis/G-Cis Harmonia – **Fine. You may declare yourself king of that one-mile-square island off the coast of Unova. We didn't need it anyway. But still, give that man his relic crown back.

**The other six of the Seven Sages – **Give back all that stuff you stole from various people. Yes, I'm talking about the greaseproof paper, the glitter, the cat food, and the jar of dirt.

**Hilbert/Black – **Stop telling everyone that you're black. Yes, you're Black, but you're not black. You're confusing the stupid people.

**Hilda/White – **Yes, you are white in more than one sense. This doesn't make you the "whitest person on earth".

**Rosa/Mei – **Hilda is not your mother. She's not even old enough to be your mother! No, you're not from the future!

**Nate/Kyohei – **You are not "the real Hilbert". Stop trying to sic your Arcanine on him. He's not an impostor!

**Professor Juniper – **The Patrat isn't evil. You can't start a riot the way Rowan did in Sinnoh by claiming that that Bidoof is Satan. Which it's clearly not.

**Bianca/Bel – **I hereby grant you the responsibility of putting Cheren somewhere where he can't hurt anyone for as long as he still has the mind of a Tympole. And in case you have trouble finding him, he's currently flailing around stupidly in a puddle.

**Hugh/Hue – **Stop trying to sue every Qwilfish you see because "they stole your look". They came first. No, you may not Unleash Your Rage on them!

**Viola – **Stop trying to take pictures of people in the shower.

**Grant/Zakuro – **What are you smoking? I don't care what Valerie told you, you're not a magical girl!

**Korrina/Koruni – **Your endeavors to roller-skate up the side of the Tower of Mastery will only result in your injury. It will not make you more "badass".

**Ramos/Fukuji – **Those are called "gardening scissors" for a reason. Stop using them to shave people. Not only that, you're a very inexperienced barber, and you'll probably cut someone's throat any day now if you continue that way.

**Clemont/Citron – **You… I… _I can't believe you just swapped Cheren's mind with that of a Tympole! _No, this is _not _"a scientific leap for mankind", this is despicable! Change it back right now! What? The machine is broken? _Then fix it! _Gym leaders don't grow on trees either!

**Valerie/Mache – **Axe. Away. Now.

**Olympia/Gojika – **Nobody in Kalos has a theme song. "We Will Rock You" is not Grant's theme song. "Ridin'" is not Korrina's theme song. "White and Nerdy" is not Clemont's theme song. "The Psycho Theme" is not Valerie's theme song. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is not Wulfric's theme song. "Girl on Fire" is not Serena's – wait, what? Serena? Theme song? On fire?! What has Malva done _this _time?!

**Wulfric/Urup – **You're not Santa. I don't care if it's December.

**Malva/Pachira – **You will go and find Serena right now, extinguish her, get her out of that crater, and bring her to the hospital!

**Siebold/Zumi – **You're the one who taught Drasna how to send images through text messaging? Right. Go, speak to Diantha, and accept your punishment.

**Wikstrom/Ganpi – **The armor will not protect you against literally _everything. _Please be sensible.

**Drasna/Drasaena – **Look, I know you've found out how to send images through text messaging, but stop sending people images of chopped liver. You're scaring some people and irritating others. Caleb has gone into hiding because he thinks that you are going to do horrible and gory things to his liver.

**Diantha/Carnet – **Aren't you in charge of this region? For Arceus's sake, do something before they all get themselves killed!

**Lysandre/Fleur-de-Lis – **You are not a "pretty flower". That disguise will not save you. Now go back to jail or that mob will drag you.

**Aliana/Akebi – **You are not Ariana.

**Bryony/Bara – **You are not Proton.

**Celosia/Correa – **You are not Petrel.

**Mable/Momiji – **You are not Archer.

**Xerosic/Xerosicy – **You are not the queen of Japan.

**Caleb/X – **Come out of hiding or the mob will drag you.

**Serena/Y – **Err… there's not really much I can say to you since you're in hospital. But when you get out, I want you to stop throwing things at Malva, both for your sake and for hers.

**Professor Sycamore – **For the love of Arceus, control the gym leaders and elite four (and the mob). No, Diantha's not doing anything. Look, Kalos is going to become severely underpopulated if _someone _doesn't do something! Oh, and you might need a bigger asylum.

**Shauna/Sana – **You can't claim yourself as the leader of the mob just because nobody else has.

**Tierno – **No matter what Shauna tells you, you're not a sheepdog.

**Trevor/Trova – **Stop trying to make a cult that worships gingers. It's not going to happen.


End file.
